You Are Immediately Judged By Your Job Title.

When I was a kid, one of our Saturday Night family treats was watching baffling yet entertaining quiz show 3-2-1.  One time, when the host Ted Rogers was introducing the contestants, a man said he was a 'refuse collection operative'.  A bemused look fell across Ted's face, so the man 'fessed up to the fact that he was a binman.  Cue shrieks of laughter from the audience and indeed my mum and dad as that little working class chap came up trumps in his 15 minutes.  In a heavy dose of irony he actually ended up winning the show's coveted booby prize, Dusty Bin.

Of course, this was all in the realms of Saturday Night Entertainment, a chance to poke a bit of fun at yourself.  Although, the world of political correctness and self-aggrandisement has resulted in some people proudly announcing the most ridiculous job titles today.
One that initially bothered me was Barista.  How did the simple task of pouring overpriced coffee warrant such an appealing job title?  It's used extensively now so I don't even think of the failed actor who serves me my double espresso as a Coffee Monkey anymore, he's my Barista.  I just assumed that he earned his title through months of intense coffee training yet his inability to even remember my order five seconds after I've told him renders this unlikely.  He's a Coffee Monkey.  And Barista is the Italian word for bartender.  Go figure.

Talking of bartenders, I was in Trader Dick's with a client last week and on the cocktail menu it said 'If you would like something that isn't on this list, please ask our Mixologist to make it for you.'  Yes, I'll tell you what isn't on this list, the name of the university your 'Mixologist' got his degree from.  Was it the London School of Blagonomics?

What does the title Lifeguard say to you?  It's a sexy, heroic vocation that conjurs up images of the babes and beefcakes of Baywatch running in slow motion on the beach.  Who wouldn't be proud of being called a Lifeguard?  Well, if you work for Shropshire County Council, you're a Wet Leisure Assistant.  I kid you not, job application below. 

A Casual Wet Leisure Assistant!  How can you be casual and wet?  I'd love to know the job title of the people who are making up the job titles.  Can you think of a good one?  Answers on a tweet to the usual address.

Shropshire aren't the only offenders, nearly every County Council has a Teenage Pregnancy Co-ordinator - they're not really thinking these through, are they?   My sister once applied for the job of Family Protection Consultant which turned out to be insurance telesales and my friend who works at a Pharma Giant informs me that they have a Head of Infectious Diseases.  Most people prefer to do meetings with him over the phone.

Which brings us neatly to the corporate world.  In the last few years the job titles in the city have become increasingly ridiculous.  If you give me your business card and your job title is nearly hanging over the edge, I immediately judge you.  Why do you need this fancy tag?  If your job role isn't easily identifiable from the first scan of your card, you have failed.  Keep it simple.

Name: John Doe

Job Title: Associate Vice President of Strategic Solutions, Shareholder Networks, Customer Optimisation and Collaborative Applications.

Departments: Small Winkie, Insecure Loser.

This practice has a nametag of its own - Uptitling - and it's now recognised as a way of giving people prestige in place of a payrise.  Obviously, a Senior Business Development Manager would feel more pride in their position than the lowly Salesperson even though it has exactly the same job specification.  These titles are a way of making the staff feel more appreciated and valued without them knowing that the directors had a really good laugh at their expense making them up whilst drinking over-priced cocktails at Trader Dick's.

Yet I can forgive all of these misjudged job titles apart from Guru.  I hear it all the time - Marketing Guru, Technology Guru, New Media Guru.  A Guru is a spiritual teacher, one who imparts initiation and transcendental knowledge, it is NOT someone who sets the alarm for 6am every morning, puts a suit on and takes a crowded train for an hour to get to an office full of other people with overblown job titles, that's just a sad old man who's hit the skids before his 50th and needs to big himself up.  Someone who ironically could benefit from sitting on a mountain in India for a few weeks to find himself.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Signing off,

Name: Brian Story

Job Title: BLOGGER 

Look at that! 7 letters and does what it says on the tin!