Attack of the Killer Bees!

Last night, I was relaxing on the sofa with my partner and a nice glass of Chablis, it had been a long day and it was time to chill with some braindead TV.  We were only ten minutes into My Tattoo Addiction when a blood-curdling scream came from my teenage daughter's bedroom.  What on earth had just happened?  Had Dave Lee Travis popped up on Instant Chat?  I raced in to find Jemima cowering in a corner and pointing goggle-eyed at her bedpost.  I couldn't see anything and she was having trouble relaying her problem to me as she started to hyperventilate.  I looked at the bedpost again.  Then at Jemima.  She was terrified.  

Oh no, has she finally started seeing dead people?  It runs in the family, my nan was well-known for her ability to speak to the other side.  She actually got committed because of it.  Her frequency of chatting to the dead increased tenfold after a few rounds of electric shock therapy.  Did all that ECT open up a gateway into the Land of the Dead or did it just turn her into a proper mental?  It's so hard to tell.  For reference, please see Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost or for a real case, Sally Morgan Star Psychic.

Upon further investigation, it appeared that the source of Jemima's trauma was a spider, she has a severe aversion to them.  I tried to explain that the tiny spider is way more scared of the 50ft apoplectic teenage girl but it's no good, she has a phobia, as simple and scary as that.  I scooped up the monster and put it out the back door.  Her Father, The Hero.

I've always been confident with creepy crawlies, I've even been known to humanely trap mice and set them free down the road in the traffic warden's garden.  Two birds, one stone, but just before I have you thinking that I'm a proper little Doolittle, I should admit to the chink in my armour.  There's one type of minibeast that I don't mix well with and that's the flying, stinging variety.  They're too erratic, bees aren't so bad, they're a bit bumbling and easy to navigate away from but wasps are quick and tenacious.  You're also limited to how you can deal with them, you can't scoop them up and put them out the window as you might receive a nasty sting.  My fear isn't irrational.  When I was 9, me and Jason Kennedy thought it would be a good idea to throw a rock at a wasps' nest.  It wasn't.  I sprinted the half mile home screaming until my mum had swatted all the wasps that had got tangled in my hair.  I got stung.  A lot.  Ever since then, I've broken out in a cold sweat whenever I hear an approaching buzz.  So imagine my horror when I saw this yesterday.

GIANT KILLER HORNETS HAVE KILLED 41 PEOPLE IN CHINA.

I feel ill.  Even though this is happening 5,000 miles away, I am anxious.  Look at the size of those things, they aren't hornets, they're birds!  Killer birds!

Swarms of the monsters have been on the attack in China and 1,600 people have had to receive treatment.  There is some footage of the damage their stings do to the human body but please do not look if you are squeamish, it's the most  distressing thing I've seen since George Galloway role-played a cat for Rula Lenska.  Nasty Hornet Stings

Experts are blaming the prevalence of the swarm on urbanisation.  Of course, us city folk are once again the scourge of Mother Nature.  All these 'experts' are just tree-hugging crusties who are ambling their way through life on antihistamines and organic vegetable gardens when they know they'd much prefer to be sipping Cosmopolitans with us in the city.  Their inability to hold down a professional job usually stems from their inability to wash their clothes and the only people who will spend any other time with them are other hippies and the bees.

Then I got thinking.  Perhaps all this is a conspiracy.  The crusty brigade make no bones about how much they hate us high-achievers, it all stems from jealousy.  Nearly every one of those dreadlocked soap-dodgers comes from a middle-class background, some of them had a much better education than you or I but somewhere along the way, due to too much dope-smoking or parental apathy, they opted out and now it's too late to join the gravy train so they spend their time bitterly trying to spoil our corporate fun through guilt-tripping petitions and protests although it's a futile fight as they constantly bray about how the corporate world has no conscience so how can we ever be tripped into feeling guilty?  A fatal flaw in your plan there, Swampy.

Yesterday I saw an ad on the underground where you could send off for a packet of seeds to grow a bee-friendly garden.  This is a trap.  All of this bee-friendly buzz is coming straight from the Hippy Hive, there is a Hippy Queen B (with hairy armpits) sending out appeals and it's all part of an evil plan to take over the world.  They know they are no match for us corporate types so they are calling on their consorts - the things with stings that can fly.  They are building an army of Giant Hornets and are tricking us into creating an environment for them to thrive.  The Queen B is the The Wicked Witch of the West and the hornets are her Flying Monkeys.  

Corporate comrades, I am calling on you to start a counter-attack.  You must Kill The Bees.  It's simple - when you see a flying, stinging thing - kill it.  Ignorance will allow this to escalate and we may see a repeat of the events in Oz - but remember - Judy Garland is dead and can no longer save us.  You have been warned.  Kill The Bees NOW or you are leaving your future in the hands of second-in-command, Liza Minnelli.  And she's had a double hip replacement.  ACT NOW or we are all doomed!