I am at my first client meeting of the year. I arrived on time. I have been here 20 minutes and they are still not ready to see me. I realise this is the first day back for a lot of people and they may have a lot to do but so do I. Why do they think their time is more important than mine? If you arrange a meeting for 11.30am then you should be ready to go at 11.30am. As it is, I am sat in a corner of the office - they don’t have a reception - waiting for them to finish what they are doing. I can see them, they are both at their keyboards tapping away. I’m anticipating our chat will last 30 minutes tops. They should do all their stuff after I’ve gone. It’s rude.
I’m looking around their office, there are paper cups on the window sill, left over from the Christmas party no doubt, a shabby way to start the New Year. The staff have got their coats on the backs of their chairs, I hate that. And their recycling bin is overflowing. On the first day back! Tut.
It’s so hot in here, I can barely breathe. I know we’re in January but we’re hardly in the midst of a polar vortex like our American friends. I’ve already taken my jacket off and I may have to remove my sweater in a minute but I want to look smart. I have a pale blue shirt on underneath and I fear I may be perspiring too much to take it off, if I knew I was coming to a meeting in a sauna, I’d have worn a white shirt - and brought poppers.
There’s a girl at her desk in a scarf and gloves, there’s always one, isn’t there? I bet she’s the one who turned the thermostat up to tropical. Bloody princess. Oh my gosh, she is rubbing her gloved hands together as if she is still freezing, she must have the blood of a lizard. How does she cope outside? I can feel the sweat beginning to trickle down my back, I’m desperate to crack a window for a bit of fresh air.
I’m in a bad mood now. I wasn’t when I got here. I might leave. Why do we put up with this? I could be running a vineyard in France with Julian. No treks across London on the tube. That was a barrel of laughs this morning. Everybody stood in silence on the platform as if they were about to be put in front of a firing squad. Perhaps some of them were. I could even see a couple of people silently debating whether to jump in front of the train as it pulled into the station. Real life begins again today. Ugh.
One of them has just taken a phone call. Great, that will be at least another 5 minutes added on to my wait time. Still, at least I can sit here and bitch about them on my blog. See! This is the very reason why you shouldn’t keep people waiting. They might tell the internet about the permanent stench of microwave meals that hangs in the air in your office or your IT guy who is addicted to online poker or the fact that you are listening to The Corrs. Nobody listens to The Corrs anymore. It carbon dates your workforce to 1998. I wish I hadn’t come. I’m thinking of naming and shaming them but then the contract would well and truly be over. Perhaps I want it to be?
The Ice Princess is putting a coat and hat on, she is going outside! This is the most interesting thing to happen since I got here. I’m interested to see how she will cope. She’s so skinny it’s possible she may freeze mid-stride. She’s mummifying herself leaving only a slit for her eyes. She’s created an insulated version of a burkha. She goes out. I don’t look up as she walks past. I don’t like her. I’m sure it’s her who’s turned this room into a greenhouse. I’m going to have to take my jumper off. Or I could leave. I start to work out if I can afford to start the year without this contract. I can. I think I’m going to leave. Although it would be very unprofessional of me to just walk out. I look over at the guy on the phone, he looks over at me and puts up his spread hand to suggest ‘5 more mins’. It’s now five after noon. I wait five more mins…
I have now waited for longer than I anticipated the meeting to be. I should be leaving about now and we haven’t even got started. Again, why do they think their time is more important than mine? Arrogant arseholes. There’s a crisp packet tucked down the side of my chair. The weather is terrible outside but I can still tell their windows are filthy. See, keep somebody waiting and they will notice the cracks in your operation. Nobody has interacted since I’ve been here. Nobody in this office is happy to be back. I feel myself about to fall into a pit of depression I haven’t felt since I holed up in my bedroom at the age of 16 with a Leonard Cohen LP.
The Ice Princess is back. She reeks of smoke. She stomps back in and complains about how cold it is outside. Not cold enough to go out and have a cigarette, obviously. I hate smoking. She’d better not be in on the meeting. I’ll be offering her a Tic Tac. Nothing worse than fag breath. Ugh, this is loathsome. I’m irritated. Unless this meeting turns out to be highly productive and fun, I’m not coming back. I’ll make some excuse about how an established client has increased the workload for the next 6 months. It would be easy to get out of this. In fact, I’ve already made up my mind. Ah, one of them's coming over, let’s see how this goes…
And they’re gone again. Just came over all smiles and shaking hands and now they’ve gone off ‘for a quick wee’ before we get started. A quick wee? Really? This is over. Right, I’m positing this blog now. I sincerely hope your first morning back was a darn sight more productive than mine. Happy New Year Everyone!!! May it be a prosperous one!
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