How My Old Sales Training Got Me Kate Bush Tickets

On Friday, I had a leisurely start to the day.  My partner, Julian, was servicing a long-haul and I’d planned to work from home and ease myself gently into the weekend.  I had a lie in until eight-thirty and then drank some coffee on the balcony deliberately leaving all my devices inside so I wouldn’t be tempted to start the working day too early.  I then decided I would have a nice hot shower before I started work.

Whilst under the shower, I began to get a nagging feeling I had forgotten something.  This happens sometimes and always turns out to be something trivial.  I put it down to the fact I had to pick up a handmade necklace for Julian’s Mothering Sunday gift and got back to soaping my pits.

I sat down at my desk at 9.45am suitably refreshed and ready for a day’s lazy work.  I opened my browser.

Fuck.

Kate Bush tickets had gone on sale at 9.30am and I had the responsibility of securing 2 for me and Kate’s biggest fan, Julian.  I had clean forgot.  I was 15 minutes late and news reports were already stating they had sold out.  My heart dropped.

I thought the news must be wrong - it usually is.  

I refused to believe all of the tickets had gone.  I quickly logged into Eventim and sure enough all of the dates were in red meaning Sold Out.  I flicked onto Facebook and Twitter to see who was boasting about procuring tickets in the vain hope I might be able to bribe somebody out of a pair.  No dice.  Only two people had managed to get tickets and I knew they loved Kate as much as Julian.  I was in trouble.

I went back to the ticket website and some of the dates were flashing green for a split second.  This meant the tickets were coming back on sale, didn’t it?  Was there still hope?  I clicked on dates as soon as they turned green but they would be back to red as soon as the next page clicked through.  I tried this many times and had to surmise this was simply a glitch on the site - all the tickets had sold.  Facebook and Twitter were now full of people bemoaning the injustice of losing out on a ticket like they had lost their house in the blitz.  Seems like it was all over.  Including maybe my relationship.  Damn.

I could imagine Julian’s disappointment and couldn’t take no for an answer.  I went back on the website and kept on top of the flashing green dates.  I clicked about 100 and every single one had sold by the time the next page loaded.  This was surely an exercise in futility but I refused to give up.  Then, on the 101st click, something magical happened.  I managed to secure 2 tickets.  Oh My God.  I had tickets!  The digital counter started ticking down telling me I had ten minutes to complete my purchase.  Plenty of time.  I took a deep breath as my insides danced with joy.  I clicked through to the payment page and the website crashed.  I froze with disbelief.

Now, this should have reduced me to the type of gibbering wreck who posts his dismay on Facebook I made a choice to be proactive.  I looked at it through optimistic eyes.  At least this meant there were some tickets left.  And I was going to get one.

Facebook and Twitter was now filling up with even more people crying about not securing tickets.  These are the pessimists.  The Big Fat Losers.  They had given up.  How could they expect to get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude?

It was now 10.45am.  According to the news, all of the tickets had sold out an hour ago.  Pfft.  I went back onto the ticket website and hovered over those dates like a hungry hawk.

The tickets were disappearing as soon as they were becoming available.  There were a lot of fervent Bush fans out there.  Due to the speed involved, I concluded people were mindlessly grabbing any ticket, therefore securing it for 10 minutes, and then checking the details.   People would realize the ticket they had secured was the wrong date or price for them.  These tickets would then resurface after the 10 minute countdown had expired and went back into the arena for everyone to fight over.

Any salesperson knows the main difference between successful and non-successful salespeople is more about pessimism than patter.  You can have the gift of the gab but if you get put off after a series of rejections, you’re never going to find success.  Likewise, a relatively inept salesperson can do fairly well if they apply tenacity and optimism to the job.  Keep going and keep positive.  

With all the pessimistic losers already giving up, I knew I could secure the deall.  I sat on the ticket website constantly refreshing for another 20 minutes trying to grab a sale.  Then it happened again, BINGO, I managed to get through and bag two tickets.  And this time it didn’t crash.  I got 2 tickets to Kate Bush and saved my relationship because I refused to give up.  It's that simple.

Never take no for an answer and you too, could get yourself some Bush.

Starbucks is Not Your Office.

This has happened to me more than once…

I have been sat in Starbucks enjoying my coffee and using the Wifi when suddenly I’ve become aware of the business meeting on the next table.

Now, I think this is fine if you’re having an informal catch up with a client or colleague but recently I was almost sat in on a job interview.  

There was a woman sat adjacent to me on a single table and a young man approached her inquiring if she was Helen.  She very formally stated she was, shook his hand and asked him to sit down.  She then located his CV and began to ask him a few questions.  In very close proximity to me.  I am sat on my own, I am not engaging with anyone, just surfing the net and recharging my caffeine levels.  Both of them have to be fully aware that I am privy to everything they are saying.  

There is no way Helen is going to get the best out of a prospective employee if she grills them in a public place.   The confidence one needs in a job interview situation can easily dissipate with a few strangers listening in.  It also speaks volumes about the company Helen works for - a popular travel agency.  If I applied for a job and was lucky enough to get called in for an interview - I would think twice if they asked me to come to Starbucks.  In fact, I wouldn’t go.

About a year ago, I was sat next to a disciplinary.  A young guy who worked in a local gym had been brought to Caffe Nero to get a ticking off about his poor performance.  His name was Darren and he had been watching DVDs on the computer when he should have been patrolling the weights room.  The fact I know this is because I could hear every single word as his boss had inexplicably decided to have this conversation with him on the table next to me.   Why did she think this was acceptable?  If she’s worked her way up to a managerial position, you might have thought she was bright enough to know she was broadcasting this poor guy’s deficiencies to the adjacent caffeine-addicts.

We are living in times of austerity.  I understand costs need to be kept at a minimum but outsourcing your meeting rooms to the nearest coffee chain is a terrible move.  How would you feel if a random member of the public came and sat next to you in your office and listened in on everything you were doing?  Would it make you feel uncomfortable?  Aware of how much information you were divulging?  This is exactly what happens in when you arrange meetings in Starbucks.  Next time it happens, I’m going to transcribe everything and post it on Twitter.  You have been warned.

Make Your Next Presentation a Masterpiece

I studied art at college but my dreams of being a working artist in adult life were soon bypassed when the need to actually make a living was realized.  I dabbled a bit over the next few years and even convinced my then-wife to let me convert the spare room into an artist studio but that too got binned when the kids came along.  Damn them.  Why couldn’t I have stayed single and gone mad like the Grand Masters? 

I no longer practise art as such although wandering around The Met and MoMA this weekend made me realize how much of my art training I use in my corporate work.

It’s easy to see how working on a project or pitch can mirror the process of creating a piece of art.  First comes the desire or concept, then research and sketch, on to the construct and mould, then finally tweak and present.  The similarity of the structure is apparent yet we don’t allow ourselves the flexibility and creativity in the boardroom which the freedom of the artist studio fosters.

The initial stage of a business project or pitch is allowed to be a little crazy.  We brainstorm and farm ideas and kid ourselves we are being radical knowing full well we will rein ourselves back into our corporate limitations during the next part of the process.  In the art world we allow ourselves to go down different avenues for longer, we may realize during the construction of the subject that the background isn’t quite the right color so we bring out our palette and make the necessary changes.  We are more open and relaxed.  Even though we have tighter time limitations in the world of business, it helps to remain flexible for further down the process line.  Even though you have invested time in an idea and the deadline is looming, if something isn’t working, don’t press on in spite of it.  Don’t be afraid to look back and see what alterations can be made to accommodate your new brilliant idea.

When you stand in a gallery and look at a painting you see the bigger picture.  You observe it as a whole.  Take a look at The Storm by Munch.  It has a fantastic atmosphere.  There is a lot of movement in the painting which draws you in and almost sweeps you up into the storm itself.  It’s a remarkable artistic achievement.  Nobody is stood in MoMA thinking the windows of the house are not uniform (apart from me).  People accept it as part of the composition, it’s simply the style of the piece and the end result is a resounding success.

Whilst I was at college, I supported myself painting theatre backdrops, I would sweat and toil over each branch of each tree.  My mentor told me to stand back.  When the audience are seated, they see the forest.  Nobody’s trip to the theatre was ever ruined because they felt the top branch of the third tree to the left was a bit skewiff.   Don’t sweat over the minutiae.  People will listen to your ideas and presentation as a whole, they won’t scrutinize every word.  Your passion will be apparent and your choice of tie will have no bearing on the outcome (unless it's a ‘comedy’ one - biggest misnomer ever - there is no such thing as a comedy tie).   

COMEDY TIES - Just say NO

Don’t be afraid to show your workings.  Some presentations are so clinical they are devoid of personality and spark.  Look at any Van Gogh up close and the work is only heightened by each obvious sweep of his paintbrush.  It adds something tangible. 

Artists such as Chuck Close aren’t afraid to show the process.  Step up close to his outstanding portrait Lucas I and you can see the pencil lines he used to initially plot his canvas.  Most people wouldn’t even see this, they just see the whole of his majestic portrait. Those who do get close enough to see the graphite are there because they have been drawn in, not because they are scrutinizing for flaws.  The proof of his workings only add to the overall piece.  Have the confidence to show your individuality.

Plan your next presentation or pitch with a more artistic approach.  Throw off the shackles of corporate convention.  The business world can be a very staid place.  Splash some color upon it.  It’s the difference between a piece of work and a masterpiece. 

Controversial Magazine Covers Are Good For Circulation.

Today, in WH Smith, as my eyes scanned the magazine stand, I paused on the latest cover of Vogue and mentally thought I needed to buy it.  WHAT???!!!  I’ve never bought a copy of Vogue in my life... 

This month’s issue has a cover shot of fat-chick-du-jour Lena Dunham by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibovitz.  Dunham has risen to prominence in the last 18 months via the success of her HBO series ‘Girls’.  The show has been heralded by many a feminist for its unabashed depictions of the ‘normal’ female form.  Dunham often gets her odd-shaped titties and ass out causing plenty of white middle-class feminists to trumpet the arrival of a new saviour as if she was single-handedly responsible for halting female genital mutilation in the third world.  So, naturally, they are all aghast that she has agreed to be a Vogue cover model and even more incensed she had been airbrushed.

Online feminist rag, Jezebel scored an own goal when they offered $10,000 for the un-airbrushed photos of Dunham.  Publishing them on their own site, they helpfully provided the reader with arrows pointing out Dunham’s physical flaws.  So much for the sisterhood.  A backlash ensued fuelling publicity for the issue which must have seen hard-faced fashion matriarch Anna Wintour rubbing her hands with glee.  The very feminists who had lobbied the fashion industry for years to display more realistic female forms finally had a fat girl on the cover of Vogue and they responded by deteriorating into Mean Girls mode.  The fashionistas are responsible for another eating disorder as fourth-wave feminism began to ingest itself.

Dunham does an important job on her TV show.  Her bold presence has empowered countless chubby chicks against the norm of Baywatch Babes and Sticks In The City.  When she accepted Vogue’s invitation, she showed her true colours.  She is first and foremost a celebrity, rather like Madonna’s humanitarian efforts, her heart is in the right place but money and exposure come first.  The cover of Vogue is way more delicious than any feminist statement.  

The contrived decision to use Dunham as their cover star created a media frenzy which saw this month’s Vogue shot shared extensively.  The free advertising was so effective it resulted in me thinking I wanted a copy.  That’s quite the marketing achievement.

Controversial magazine covers are not new.  People still reference the naked and pregnant Demi Moore Vanity Fair shot and that hit the newsstands more than twenty years ago.  More recently, Rolling Stone’s decision to put Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the front cover showed an appalling lack of taste and was greeted with much opposition.  Protestors called for a boycott and some vendors pulled the magazine from its shelves.  The furore resulted in Rolling Stone doubling their sales compared to the same period the previous year.

It’s not just the celebrity publications who go for the shock factor.  Bloomberg Businessweek raised eyebrows with the cheeky phallic graphic below.  They confirmed that "Over the past two years, our more buzzy covers have had a lift on newsstand of up to about 70% above the yearly average.”  Alec Casey, head of circulation at Bloomberg Businessweek  

Also following a controversial cover, subscriptions can increase by 10%.  Retailer backlash is nothing to be scared of either.  When Time magazine published the cover below of a mother breastfeeding her 5-year-old son, many backward Yankee retailers refused to stock it inadvertently increasing sales at other outlets and ultimately driving up web traffic.

Bold and controversial statements are good for publishing.  As circulation figures continue to decline, it would appear creating a fuss is good for business.  Also using the print form to drive business to the online publication is an ingenious marketing tool.  

The fact Vogue managed to get most of their unpaid publicity this month from one of their biggest opposers is evil genius.  As the moral majority continue to get their sensible mom-sized knickers in a twist and inadvertently boost circulation, expect to see many more questionable covers in the future.

Is Napping At Work Ever OK?

Still finding the adjustment to work after the holidays a bore?  Struggling through another afternoon with a bunch of unanswered correspondence and tiresome administration?  Morning caffeine buzz wearing off?  Why not have a nap?

The positives of a power nap have been discussed for a long time but the majority of people still feel bad for taking an afternoon snooze.  Sleeping on the job has always been frowned upon so it's essential to change how we regard it.  Don’t think of it as sleep, think of it as a reboot.  When your laptop becomes sluggish, closing down any open programs and giving it the chance to restart results in better performance.  Going somewhere quiet and closing your eyes for 15 minutes can have a similar effect on your brain.  In fact, studies have shown that a 10-20 minute power nap actually increases productivity. 

I often work from home so catching forty winks is easy.  A private house affords me the luxury of privacy and peace.  If you work in a busy office it's difficult to have a discreet nap.  Where can you go?  The stationery cupboard?  The toilet?  

There are ways how you can have a swift shut-eye without drawing too much attention to yourself.

Do you drive to work?  A cranky old colleague of mine at the Dimbleby Paper Group used to retire to his car to ‘listen to The Archers’ every day.  He used to do this with the driver’s seat in full recline, we could see him from the second-floor window.  He always used to come back in much brighter which was actually better for the office as a whole.  Don’t be afraid to disappear to your car every now and then.  Smokers in your company amass around 30 minutes of extra break time a day as they step outside for their nicotine fix.  Just think they're stealing company time to ruin their bodies, you’re repairing yours.

If you don’t have a car or live nearby, you have to be more resourceful.  Does your office have a meeting room?  Start disappearing there for 20 minutes a day to do some ‘research’.  Build up a routine so people expect this to happen.  You now have the perfect opportunity for a reboot.  20 minutes is ideal for an effective nap and it’s a short enough duration that people won’t wonder where you have gone and come looking for you.

If you don’t have a spare room, you could try the toilet or the store cupboard but if these options are too small or unsanitary then you could try a stealth snooze at your desk.

Die-hard nappers have this down to a fine art.  If you work in a cubicle it’s easier to get away with, open plan offices are harder but not impossible.  The first thing you need to do is position yourself so you have your back to everyone.  Then you have to create the illusion of working. Holding a book will look like you are quietly reading.  As people glance around the office they will not suspect you are sleeping.  Some advanced snoozers silently sit with a pen poised upon a sheet of paper, others place a hand on their mouse having set their screens to automatic scroll.  Sneaky. 

Sleeping in an upright seated position will come with practice.  Remember, you are only catching some light sleep, you’re not bedding down for the night.  Always remember to set your alarm on your phone.  Missing deadlines and meetings will rumble your absent state.

Try not to be jealous but some companies are ahead of the game.  Weary workers in Japan are already taking five in designated nap areas in their offices.  Google also have sleep pods.

Expect your company to follow suit in about twenty years.  If you can stay awake that long.

Sweet dreams.

A Conference Call in Real Life

I love this!  Full marks to all involved...

A conference call playing out in a boardroom.  Clever stuff.

Watch Your Ps and Qs

I judge people harshly who casually abuse the English language.  Within a language containing over one million words there is always room for error - I'm not infallible myself and am always open to correction - but you can tell the difference between a genuine typo and a blatant disregard for syntax and punctuation.

On The Guardian website today it says many top schools receive applications for teaching posts which include spelling mistakes and grammar anomalies.  The article even points out that some schools have difficulty filling senior teaching positions due to poorly-presented CVs.  

Why have people become less particular about their standard of written communication?  Has the speed of online contact and text speak affected our ability to string a sentence together?  As we become more multicultural, are our languages fusing together and losing their identities?  Do we place too much importance on perfectly presented prose?

Mark Twain said   “Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.”

I say   “Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously had a good education.”

I don't like the dumbing-down of the English language.  Although not the most widely-spoken, it is the language which rules the world.  Our rich history of revered writers is in danger of becoming extinct thanks to a generation of Hip Hop slangmeisters and Essex retards.

Even the most successful literary series (and I use the term loosely) of the last couple of years had 50 shades of 'must try harder' about it.  Still at least it got the chavs reading.

I wonder if I care too much.  Am I old-fashioned in my expectation of fully-formed sentences?  After all, language does evolve.

It's also been proven that everybody can read the following:

"Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe."

So, what's the point?  Why go to all that trouble of educating yourself and double-checking your work if most people can read it with a few mistakes anyway?  

I'll tell you why.  It's because it's simply not acceptable in the world of business to send an email like it's come from the barrow boy down Portobello Road.  People like me will automatically judge you. I can hardly stand it if someone abbreviates words in a tweet, let alone in a covering letter.  It tells me you have a poor level of communication.  Even if English is not your first language, if you want a job where English is the primary method of communication, you'd better make sure you are literate.  If somebody has to interpret what you've just told them, you have failed.  People want to do business with people they understand.  Communication should be clear and concise, if you can't manage that then you need a job stacking the shelves in B&Q where you won't be bastardising the Queen's lingo, innit tho?

TTFN